£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
When they try to steal your moment.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!