[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Heroic Misunderstanding