I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn