You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”