Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.