[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Just why bro?!
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.