So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red