Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.