Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*gets down on one knee*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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Me: Same
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”