Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
You Might Also Like
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
lmao
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit