Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls