Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.