Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
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they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
then why did i get this email
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.