Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.