Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we鈥檙e both sitting in the playpen crying
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
People: it鈥檚 important to limit your children鈥檚 screen time
School System: y鈥檃ll heard about virtual learning?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I鈥檓 sorry but you鈥檙e wrong.
Kids, do not try this at home!
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃榿馃榿馃ぃ馃ぃ
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can鈥檛 believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
BEACH BOYS: 馃幎 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 馃
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don鈥檛 think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn鈥檛 previously paid for Favstar
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T