Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You Might Also Like
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house