i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I gave up going to work for lent.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Cheers Twitter.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.