Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar