Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Midwest trash talk
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.