she has a smile full of sesame seeds
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?