If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
The Book. The Movie.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no