Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You Might Also Like
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
More like Kate Missington.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.