[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
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If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.