Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
You Might Also Like
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Challenge accepted.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now