[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope