I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.