Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.