My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG