Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994