I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.