Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect