Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Look at this
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.