“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE