When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Wake me when AI does housework
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single