6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free