9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
You Might Also Like
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
getting corrected
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it