More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
This is my pinned tweet
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.