At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]