T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Friday
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.