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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Okay me first
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
philosophical skeletons be like
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺