[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Free him
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?