TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
i will not be silenced
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Liquor Store Parking
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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