The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”