My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Not recommended for beginners.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.