[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Good dog. ❤️
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.