Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Chicago sounds lovely.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.