What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM