My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*