Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
You Might Also Like
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*