me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
You Might Also Like
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave